Because driving is hard, we bring you the ultimate driving guide for the modern age. From properly identifying and responding to road signs, to using an on-ramp, to proper brake usage—we’ve got you covered. After reading this guide, you too can stop being a fucking idiot on the road. You’ll be a master driver capable of taking on the most challenging situations.
We’ll start with the basics—don’t worry, we’ll go slow since, if you’re reading this, you probably get confused easily. Please continue on to our first section to get acquainted with how the hell you even got your license in the first place.
Remember: it’s perfectly acceptable to read each section multiple times if you’re still confused. OK, let’s get going!
Getting Started: The Basics
Once you finally hit the road, you’ll need to know a few things about your car. First, let’s take a look at the pedals you’ll find in your car:
Great, now let’s look at the steering wheel. You’ll use this to not aim your car death missile at other inanimate objects or people:
Fantastic. Good job champ, you’ll learn this in no time. Now that you know the basics of how to operate your death missile, let’s move on to some more complicated road maneuvers and skills you’ll need to be successful.
Basic Road Signs
Throughout your death missile career you’ll encounter what are known as road signs. Let’s quickly go over the basics of these confusing oddities.
The “speed limit sign” has “numbers” on it. Push down on “make car go vroom vroom pedal” you learned about earlier to match sign numbers to little numbers on dash, at a minimum.
Excellent, good job. Now, let’s look at a yield sign. The party in the back part of the mullet. Not to be confused with a stop sign. You do not stop at these. For fuck’s sake, you DON’T STOP AT THESE if the road is clear.
How you even confuse two basic shapes as an adult and misidentify this as a stop sign is beyond the scope of this guide, and may in fact be too stupid of a question to actually answer at any point in time.
Merging Onto Highways and Road Lanes
OK, sport. In this section, you’ll learn to how to properly merge your death missile onto a highway, and all about road lanes.
When making your way onto a highway, the on ramp is used to get your car up to highway speed before you attempt to merge. Not 45 mph, not 50 mph. Highway. Speed.
Nobody cares what your reasons are for being a douche, but when you don’t bring your death missile up to highway speed before merging, you cause traffic to pile up, and piled up traffic causes road rage. Then the next thing you know two idiots are driving down the highway bustin’ caps at each other.
And since we’re on the topic of highways, let’s talk about the left lane.
You see, the left lane is for traffic that wants to zoom zoom. But there you are, in the way, going 55 mph and blocking everybody from moving past. The person in your rearview mirror is literally trying to ass fuck your car with theirs, but you furiously keep to your guns and refuse to move.
Stop it. Don’t be this person. Every time you do this, a baby bunny dies somewhere who’s death is directly attributed to left lane hogging. And it’s your fault, baby bunny killer.
If you do go into the left lane to pass someone, punch your make car go vroom vroom pedal and then get out of the way once you do pass that other death missile. We live in a society.
Brake Pedal
Way to go you jenuis, you made it to the final section!
The brake pedal is not for standing on. Put your phone away and pay attention so you can properly apply the brakes with enough distance between you and the car in front of you. Not only is this terrible for your car, you also run the risk of being rear ended every time you go vertical off your seat and onto your brake pedal.
If you’re this asshole, you deserve to be rear ended and I hope you have neck pain for the rest of your life.
Conclusion
So there you have it. The best modern guide for dumbass Americans on the road who probably shouldn’t be behind the wheel of anything, even a riding lawnmower.
